I'm Ready to Serve

First of all, I want to thank all of you who voted for me. I am putting together my government right now, and soon I'll be sworn in by the King's representative so that our wonderful country, the United Quats of Ireland, can begin its exciting journey out of the doldrums of wretchedness and into the bright sunlight of salvation.

This is a wonderful time to be Irish. Who ever thought the day would come when a Black Irishman could be elected Prime Minister? This shows what progress we've made despite the awful regime we have been oppressed by during the past several years. To show you how cross I am with outgoing Prime Minister Weed, I'm going to make him sit out in the wind during my swearing in by the King's Viceroy. If he catches a cold in his nose, it will only serve him right.

I know you can't tell it by looking at me, but I am so excited these days that I sometimes have to wear Attends. I'm basically a pretty cool and collected guy, but this has all been too, too much and leakage has become a problem. Thank heavens for high-tech undergarments. In fact, I'm so impressed that I may just have to get parliament to shove through a couple of billion pounds for diaper research.

But right now, I'm waiting my turn. There is only one Prime Minister at a time, you know, and Prime Minister Weed is the man in the hot seat (talk about sagging undergarments!). I'll have plenty of chances to bring redemption to all of you worshipful citizens, so just be patient until I am sworn in and begin grappling with and solving, one by one, the issues that afflict us all until there are none left.

My deputy prime minister designate, who also is bidin' his time, suggested that I recommend that you always utter my full name three times when you chant your prayers. They don't have to be addressed to me, necessarily, but using my name at least three times will ensure that they are properly directed by the heavenly hosts (or whatever hosts they are, and wherever they are, if they are).

Please send me your suggestions. Remember, this is your country, too, so you should speak up. If what you say is incoherent, immature, unintelligent, or ignorant, I will not say a word in criticism but will praise you for being an engaged and concerned citizen. Its surprising what you can accomplish when you have enough dolts, saps, and ignoramuses on your side. For one thing, you have a grand majority.

It's time to go to another meeting. I'm so used to community organizing that I'm having a hard time getting used to announcing a decision without being shouted at by some drug addict. But since drug addiction is a pretty widespread white-collar problem here in UQI, I should be comforted by the familiar presence of a goodly number of addicts among my governmental team. I can only hope.

Blog with you later.